“No one ever told me that grief
felt so like fear.”
― C.S. Lewis, A Grief Observed
I received
a call from a dear friend who is 81 years old. He called to apologize that he had
not reached out sooner to let me know his wife passed away a few months ago. I
have known this couple for over 25 years; we talked for an hour, but mostly I
just listened. He shared about their life together, the impact she had on his
life, family, and kids at the church. He asked me if I would come to his church
and do a Seminar on coping with grief, both dealing with loss and how to help
others through the process.
Over the
past 30 years of counseling both in Christian and secular spaces, I have
noticed a major disconnect in the grief process surrounding men. Men have been
taught, and believe, that strength means avoiding the emotions and expression
of grief. In addition, I realize after working in men’s ministry for over two
decades, Carol Staundacher in her book Men
and Grief:[i] is completely right, “an
individual (man) grieving goes through three major phases: Retreating,
Working Through, and Resolving.”
It is
imperative that we learn not only how to encourage men who are grieving, but
also to encourage those who are helping men through the process.
1)
When
men are retreating, is the time to simply walk beside them as they talk. An example
would be when men are retreating to their garage, workshop, or office.
Encourage them to connect with others and help them not distant themselves from
family and friends.
2)
When
men are working through their emotions and feelings, do not expect it to happen
on your time. All individuals grieve at their own pace and each loss is unique.
However, always encourage them to keep moving forward. They may not be running
into the new normal, but they can walk or crawl if they must, if they move
forward.
3)
When
they reach acceptance, it is important to understand that does not mean the grieving
process is done. I lost both of my parents 45 days apart in 2009, and there are
days I think of them and miss them (grief), wanting to talk to them and just
hear their voices or have a dream about them. I need to share that with someone
that is not going to judge but simply listen and help me move forward from
today.
[i]
Staundacher, Carol, Men and Grief: A Guide for Men Surviving the Death of a
Loved One : A Resource for Caregivers and Mental Health Professional
