Men and Grief!

 

“No one ever told me that grief felt so like fear.”

― C.S. Lewis, A Grief Observed

 

I received a call from a dear friend who is 81 years old. He called to apologize that he had not reached out sooner to let me know his wife passed away a few months ago. I have known this couple for over 25 years; we talked for an hour, but mostly I just listened. He shared about their life together, the impact she had on his life, family, and kids at the church. He asked me if I would come to his church and do a Seminar on coping with grief, both dealing with loss and how to help others through the process.

Over the past 30 years of counseling both in Christian and secular spaces, I have noticed a major disconnect in the grief process surrounding men. Men have been taught, and believe, that strength means avoiding the emotions and expression of grief. In addition, I realize after working in men’s ministry for over two decades, Carol Staundacher in her book Men and Grief:[i] is completely right, “an individual (man) grieving goes through three major phases: Retreating, Working Through, and Resolving.”

It is imperative that we learn not only how to encourage men who are grieving, but also to encourage those who are helping men through the process.

1)      When men are retreating, is the time to simply walk beside them as they talk. An example would be when men are retreating to their garage, workshop, or office. Encourage them to connect with others and help them not distant themselves from family and friends.

2)      When men are working through their emotions and feelings, do not expect it to happen on your time. All individuals grieve at their own pace and each loss is unique. However, always encourage them to keep moving forward. They may not be running into the new normal, but they can walk or crawl if they must, if they move forward.

3)      When they reach acceptance, it is important to understand that does not mean the grieving process is done. I lost both of my parents 45 days apart in 2009, and there are days I think of them and miss them (grief), wanting to talk to them and just hear their voices or have a dream about them. I need to share that with someone that is not going to judge but simply listen and help me move forward from today.

 

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[i] Staundacher, Carol, Men and Grief: A Guide for Men Surviving the Death of a Loved One : A Resource for Caregivers and Mental Health Professional

Is it breakfast time?

 

Is it breakfast time?

This year, I celebrated Father’s Day with my kids and grandkids by going out to breakfast at a local diner. For those that have been around me for more than a couple of days, (especially if you have gone to a restaurant with me) you know I LOVE Breakfast.  There is just something about ordering two eggs over medium, biscuits and gravy with hotcakes or French toast that makes my mouth water. To me, breakfast is the food that can be consumed 24 hours a day, 7 days a week and never gets old.  As I sit here and reflect on my life, I can think of only three things I enjoy more than breakfast:

1)      First is the relationship I have with my family. The time we spend sitting, talking, reflecting on the past, and looking forward to the future. The time we share dreams and heartache. Family is like the comfort food of breakfast; you just know that it is going to be alright.

 

2)      The second being the place I choose to worship HIM. For me a lot of the joy of breakfast is preparing the plate so that I can enjoy it.  Getting those eggs just right on top of the French toast, with just the right amount of butter and syrup.   Praise and worship are the same way, it is getting my heart, my mind, and my attitude ready to enjoy the celebration that is about to take place as I enjoy his presence.

 

3)      The last is my own personal relationship with Jesus Christ. It can’t be like the leftovers in the refrigerator or fast-food sausage biscuit driving 60 miles an hour down the road.  It has to be personal and intentional, sitting and enjoying my time reading HIS word, meditating on HIS thoughts, reflecting on HIS love, and knowing that this is the next best thing to being in Heaven with HIM.

I realize that I must be selective if I want breakfast all day, every day, because not every restaurant serves breakfast 24 hours a day (Although in my mind they should). What is even crazier is that some don’t serve it at all.  However, the reality of my life with Christ is the same, not everyone in my family enjoys breakfast just like I do, and not everyone enjoys talking about my friend and savior Jesus Christ. Not every church is interested in serving up a daily dose of Jesus; they are more interested in serving what is popular this week that the world wants to digest, and they miss so much from that daily celebration.   Of course none of this is possible if I don’t really enjoy sitting down and patiently waiting for it all to come together.  When I go to the restaurant I have to be willing to read the menu, place my order, wait for it to come, fellowship with those around me, and pray for God’s blessing.  However, when all that is done it is time to eat.  As Christians we need to focus not on the earthly breakfast, but on the heavenly supper of the Lamb which is coming soon. Have you accepted the invitation to dinner (or in my mind breakfast…I bet God makes some awesome Biscuit and Gravy)?

Friends, enjoy your breakfast. However, more importantly enjoy your relationship with Christ and your family daily.

The Great Men Steak Out!

 I have been involved in ministering to men for over 25 years and in pastoral ministry for over 45 years. One of the greatest events or outreaches I have been blessed to attend and later help plan is the Great Men's Steak Out. Pastor Les Sanders first introduced me to the Steak Out at Milford Assembly of God.

This event is an awesome opportunity to reach men not only within your church but also in the community. We started with a simple philosophy: Men love food, and especially steak. So, we invited them to come to our steak out. We asked the men to bring a steak to grill (for those that do not like steak, they were free to bring chicken, fish, hamburger, or even a hotdog. We set up a couple of grills and started grilling. The other goal for the Great Men Steak Out was to encourage the men attending to buy a second steak and bring it along with their friend and share the evening with him.

This became an exciting time of fellowship and fun as we stood around the grill talking then sat at the tables sharing stories and testimonies that challenged men to be unique in their Christian walk. Then there was a time to share the truth of the Gospel because men are looking for the truth. They are looking for someone to be real, and someone that can help them understand the scripture in a simple, practical way.

The Great Men Steak Out can be done in conjunction with other events, and it is often best to have an activity on the same night. I have challenged our men in a horseshoe tournament, corn hole tournament, or even hosted the Steak Out on the day of a televised football, basketball, or hockey game.Being from Cincinnati, our context used the Bengals' schedule to its full advantage.

As with any men’s ministry event, it is always important to share the Gospel of Christ with the men. I recommend that you share a Bible story around some of the remarkable stories in the Bible that have to do with food.

The challenge for all of this is to make Steak Out relevant and insightful so the men know that they have been blessed.

As a men's ministry leader, your challenge is:

·         One, encourage your men to come!

·         Two, encourage them to bring a friend and extra steak!

·         Three, encourage their spirits with a short and insightful message from scripture.

 

Hard to believe it has been 41 years!

 It is hard to believe that on April 17^th, I will celebrate 41 years as an Ordained Minister of the Gospel.

On April 17^th, 1984 (the age of 24) I was Ordained by an amazing group of men at the Flint Baptist Temple. Co-pastors Dr. Don Lougheed and James Lougheed along with my former youth pastor Mike Rose and a group of men who had watched my ministry since I was a teen laid hands on me and sent me into ministry. I remember the intensity of the interview process as myself and Robert Warren stood before these men and they drilled us on doctrine, and our personal lives.

I remember one question that to this day I still laugh about. What will you do if we do not ordain you? My response without thinking was “go do ministry anyway.” At the time I was ordained, I was pastoring Victory Baptist Church, in Columbiaville, Michigan.

 I was saved at the age of 8 years old and baptized at the Flint Baptist Temple. I was called to preach at the age of 13 years old and began working as an Assistant Pastor to Dr. James Lougheed at 20 years old. God has given me an interesting road over the past 41-plus years, having served as Pastor, Associate Pastor, Children's Pastor, Youth Pastor, Bible college instructor, Men’s Ministry Director, and more. 

Over the past 45 years I have served across denominational lines, ministering in Independent and Southern Baptist Churches, as well as Assemblies of God, and Non-denominational churches. I have been honored to preach in over 10 different denominational churches, providing pulpit supply sharing the Gospel of Christ. Remembering the word’s Dr. Don Lougheed drilled in us as young preacher boys. “I do not care where you start in scripture, what your topic is remember you always run for the Cross. If you do not do this, get out of the ministry.”

Can I share something that stands out for me personally, and was maybe the greatest blessing that day? My Grandmother Flossie Argue (My mom’s mother) was 84 years and was only able to go places in a wheelchair, had not attended church in over two years. However, she was my best friend, and the greatest encouragement. She made my mom and dad bring her to my Ordination. That was the last service she was in, she died a few months later.

I do want to thank my amazing wife Emma Lee who has walked through all these challenges over the past 39 years. On our wedding day, February 14, 1986, she stepped into ministry, and together we did not look back.

 I often wonder what I would tell the younger me after 45 years of ministry, and I think it would be simple.

 

1)      Stay focused on your calling not your location.

2)     Serve where God put’s you, not where you want to be.

3)     Do not think you are the smartest person in the room; you will only be embarrassed.

4)     Do not stay where you are not wanted.

5)     Protect your wife and children with all your being, from both members and pastors.

 

I cannot wait to see what the next 40 plus years bring.

 

 

 

Wow! Powerful Message to Pastors

 I originally published this post in 2019, and it even rings more true today. 

            Proverbs 23: 1 -4: (Holman Christian Standard Bible)

23 “Woe to the shepherds who destroy and scatter the sheep of My pasture!” x This is the Lord’s declaration. 2 “Therefore, this is what the Lord, the God of Israel, says about the shepherds who shepherd My people: You have scattered My flock, y banished them, and have not attended to them. z I will attend to you because of your evil acts”—this is the Lord’s declaration. 3 “I will gather the remnant of My flock from all the lands where I have banished them, a and I will return them to their grazing land. They will become fruitful and numerous. b 4 I will raise up shepherds over them who will shepherd them. c They will no longer be afraid or dismayed, nor will any be missing.” d This is the Lord’s declaration”

I was recently reading this passage and it jumped off the page at me, there have been to many shepherds (pastors) that have hurt, destroyed, betrayed, and scattered the flock (the church) because of their own greed, lust, agenda, lack of compassion, or yes even being too stupid to rightly teach the word of God. 

            I’m convinced that God is going to raise up Men and Women who are going to shepherd the church onto the next Great Revival, they are going to be men/women of integrity, and they going to have the skills to read, study, and proclaim the whole word of God not simply what tickles the ears of the listener. However, before this happens, I see God doing some serious surgery on the Body of Christ.

1)       I see him REMOVING from the pulpit men/women who are willing to compromise his message for the sake of looking compassionate or loving in the world. I’m so tired of hearing men/women preach everybody can get to heaven in simple faith, or that is not really what God met when he said that about sin.

2)      I see him REBUKING men/women that personally are in it for the money, or the fame, and holding them accountable before the church. 

3)       I see him REPLACING so-called men/women who have stepped into the anointing of ministry by the hands of men/women and not the calling of God.

 

Before God does the next Great Revival, I’m fearful that there is going to be a mass exit of men/women from the ministry, not because of their own choice. However, it will be because God has started to clean the house.  It is time for the REVIVAL to start not in the church, but in the Ministers study.   

Pastor/Minister is God going to use you or remove in the next great revival?

Pastoral Theology: How We Do Ministry

             Over the past forty-five years I have loved to study, teach and attempt to understand the How and Why we do ministry, Pastoral Theology is study of that topic.

Charles Finney was founder and President of Oberlin College of Ohio and a great theologian, preacher, and writer in his own right, in one of his greatest works “Finney's Unpublished Lectures on Pastoral Theology, Lecturer on Revivals while teaching at Oberlin College from his manuscript notes of 1872, 1874, and 1875, he shares with the students the following: 

“A good shepherd’s care of the sheep is fourfold: (1) Feeding; (2) Guiding; (3) Guarding; (4) Healing” 

Jeremiah 3:15 states in the King James: “And I will give you pastors according to mine heart, which shall feed you with knowledge and understanding.” Should be noted that several translation uses the word “Shepard” in place of the word “Pastor” clearly God meant for the Pastor/Shepard to care for his sheep (the church members).

As Pastors we are given the amazing task (let me help folks understand when I’m talking about pastors, I’m also referring to the Associate, Assistant, Children’s Pastor, Youth Pastor, or any other member of the church that is in a role of leadership. I personally have spent 40 years in ministry, over 36 years has been in the role of Associate Pastor, other area of responsibility.  I consider myself a Pastor that God has given some unique responsibilities to serve HIM (God) however and wherever he leads. As I reflect on Charles Finney statement and Jeremiah 3:15 let me help us understand our responsibility “AS I SEE IT”.

            As I write this blog post I understand that Pastoral Theology has several sub-topics including: Homiletic (preaching/teaching), the Sacraments, Ethic’s, Pastor Counseling, Church Leadership. All of these are relevant to the how the church functions. However, if we are doing the following all the other are not relevant.

1)      Feed the Sheep (members) … We are to preach/teach the word of God, not as we think it should be, but as God wrote it. We are to preach the reality of Heaven, as well as the reality of Hell. Clearly teaching the Biblical view of Sin and the awesomeness of His GRACE.  As my pastor Dr. Don Lougheed used to tell us “Preach the Book, the Blood, and the Blessed Redeemer” …. he would also say “Preach the Bible from Genesis to Revelations, and remember always run for the Cross”

2)      Guide the sheep … Wow how many preachers failed in this one today, so many pastors are failing to Guide their sheep into a deeper study of the word of God, or in some cases setting a bad example of what is acceptable behavior based on God’s word, not an individual opinion.

3)      Guarding … I will be honest over couple the past decade I have become very concerned with pastors allowing false teaching, and destructive doctrine within their church.  It is our job to challenge the members of our church in what they are listening to, and move them toward appropriate preachers, in other words, it our responsibility to guard their hearts.

4)      Healing … I know the first place all my Pentecostal and Charismatic friends are going is Divine (physical) healing and yes that is important, and we need to continue to see God move. However, if you read the writing of Charles Finney his first and foremost thought was the Healing of the Soul. It was all about “Does that person know Christ” … it is stated that Finney would walk in a room and people would fall to the floor in conviction of Sin and cry out and repent in other words his life was about Healing (changing) the Sinful ways.

Pastoral Theology is about how we minister to the church in our care! I have been watching Pastors both old and young I see three things that must happen, or the church is doomed!

1)      We need men and women of God to get back to PREACHING THE BIBLE, not opinion or what is popular or acceptable but preaching what God states as truth.

2)      We need to see men and women of God FALLING AT THE ALTAR of the church and CRYING OUT FOR THE MEMBERS that God has given them to shepherd.

3)      We need to see men and women of GOD STANDING IN THE GAP against any and all false teaching coming in their church's door.

Let me make myself clear, I have been a pastor of churches ranging in size from 20 to 120, and have been an Associate, Youth Pastor, Men’s Ministry Director, or Children’s pastor of churches ranging from 80 to 3,000. I personally don’t care the size of the church, small, medium, large or mega it is your responsibility to “FEED, GUIDE, GUARD, AND HEAL” … I know pastors today that are doing this with all their heart and I rejoice in their success and commitment. However, others need to REPENT AND RETURN TO THE CALLING THAT GOD GAVE YOU.

 

 

How do I determine a successful Men’s Ministry event…

The following blog post was written back in 2013. However, I feel the content is relevant for men ministries today!

How do I determine a successful Men’s Ministry event?

I have been involved in pastoral ministry for over 45 years and have been Ministering to Men for the past 20 years.  Over those years I have seen several things work, and I have seen several others fall flat. However, what is interesting is that some ideas I implemented were successful in one place, and a failure elsewhere.  This difference in success from place to place can be found in the attitudes of the attendees and the opinions of the leaders.  As a leader, I would sometimes view an event or activity as a failure or unproductive, but this may have been the farthest thing from the truth. 

I have spent a great deal of time looking at the activities and events I have encouraged men to partake in, trying to determine the success and flop of each. The only formula that I have come up with is what the Lord has laid on my heart.

• Was the activity/event Christ-centered?  Personally, this is the most important aspect.  If Christ is not the center of the activity, then there is no reason to have it. 
• Did the attendees see Christ lifted up through my actions, and speech, and those that participated in the event?
• Did the men engage and participate in the activity/event?
• Do you see a number of the men making changes as a result of their participation? 

Planning an activity or event that provides the following principles will help you to answer yes to the questions above.

• Use a variety of methods that will reach, engage, and challenge men of various ages and cultural groups. 
• Avoid the trap of only ministering to one age group, because that is where we feel most comfortable, and it is the path of least resistance. 
• Ask your men questions, such as what are your men interested in doing? How can you make their interest a successful event?
• Be willing to think outside the box.
• Remember … an outcome is simply a matter of someone’s opinion!
• Continue to try, and improve on those that work.
• Understand your personal limits and search for help from others who have a special skill that will help you.

For Example … I love to write, but my grammar is really bad (most editors say I “write like I talk”) So over the years, I have surrounded myself with some awesome editors, who take time to proofread and clean up everything I write (Including this post).

The key to success is simple …

Keep trying and give God the glory!