Ministering to Men in Small Churches!

                 I (Rev. Don Allen, Jr.) originally published this blog post in the fall of 2012. However, as I reflect on what I wrote back then I realize that all the principles still apply.

The skills of ministering to men are often misunderstood because we are working with a group of individuals that by virtue of their life are wrapped up in dozens of things at one time, generally running from one place to another, dealing with the stress of family responsibility, work, and taking care of a home.

The average church today is running between 100 and 200 people, and these are considered small to medium churches. As a Minister to Men (Men’s Ministry Director) it is important to understand that we cannot keep up with the Mega churches, nor should we want to. The men of your church have chosen your church for a reason, many like the small intimacy of the church, and the friendships they develop, while others attend small to medium churches due to living in small towns, or small local communities.  Whatever reason they chose to attend your church you have a unique opportunity to minister to them that big churches miss out on.

I have previously ministered to Men in three small to medium size churches, I have found it critical to choose two or three things at the most that we can do well and focus the men on these. I believe that there are 3 things that we need to do, to be effective in ministering to men in small to medium size churches. In my churches, we focus on fellowship, friendships, and fatherhood. If I can strengthen the men I minister to in these three areas I will have accomplished a great deal.

Let me explain my reasoning for these three points (challenges) in ministering to men.

• Fellowship … Helping the men to develop a personal time of fellowship with Christ, through their devotions, and Bible Study. We do this through various challenges as well as hosting Bible Studies at the church for the men to attend.

Can I share a thought here as a Baby Boomer, my idea of fellowship at 63 years old is not the same as my son who is 30 years old!

For the most part, I’m content with the Saturday morning breakfast, and fellowship, he is seeking a challenge like a basketball game, mission project, wilderness adventure, or any number of other activities that get them out of the church and moving. If it is our goal is to minister to the men of our church, we must think like all of them not simply our age group.

• Friendship … Helping me to strengthen their relationships with their Christian brothers within the church is essential to their Christian walk. Spending time with Godly men, learning, and maturing with them helps them grow.

•  Fatherhood … Helping them to learn to be the Godly fathers (dad) they should be in their family is a key point of the Christian walk. Any man can be a Biological father, but it takes a REAL MAN to be Father/Daddy.  This is a foundational point of not only the family but the church.

As a Minister to Men for over the past 22 years (for full disclosure, I’m currently not functioning as the Men’s leader in my local church. However, I remain active with them).  Please understand that my heart will always be to develop Men to serve Christ effectively.  I believe that it is important for you personally as a Minister to Men to have five foundation principles.

1.       Have a clear vision/direction of what you believe God wants you to accomplish. It is essential that you know the vision or direction you are going, without it you will get sidetracked and off on too many projects and miss the opportunity to do something very well. The one thing that I need to caution Men’s Leaders about in the small and medium churches is don’t try to do everything do what you can and do it very well. If you have an older group of men, the Saturday breakfast is a great idea, if you have a younger group of men, they need to have an activity that requires action. If you have both, look for a balance that will impact your men.

I have found that taking a survey of all the men of the church (I have done this on Sunday mornings during the morning worship service (I generally do it over three weeks to catch all the men in the church), give each man over 18 a sheet of paper with the following questions:

                DO NOT have them include their name:

1)      What is your age group? (Circle one)

a.       18 – 30

b.       31 – 40

c.       41 – 60

d.       60 and up

2)      What is your favorite movie of all time?

3)      What is your favorite type of food?

4)      What is your favorite activity?

5)      When is the most convenient time for you to meet up with other men @ church?

a.       Day and time.

 

These five questions give me a clear picture of what the men of my church like, and therefore also give me ideas of how to reach them, with activities, food, and most importantly the time that is good for them.

 

2.       Have a clear understanding of what you’re teaching the men, and what they need to learn: I think that it is essential to find good solid material to teach your men, and to challenge them to learn from. There are several great teaching tools available for Ministering to Men, I suggest that you check your denomination, and some other awesome Men’s ministries on the web.

 

https://maninthemirror.org/

https://ncmm.org/

 

3.       Have a personal Mentor … Have a personal Mentor and accountability partner to keep you grounded and focused. I encourage our men to develop mentorship roles with other men and continue to develop the relationship as the mentored individual moves on to mentor. In my mind, it works sort of like the father/son relationship. Father is the father to his son, but he is also the son of his father. The same applies to a Mentor who is the mentor to the mentor but is also the mentor to the mentor. This is referred to as discipleship, and believe me it is the foundation of your church.

 

4.       Have a good relationship with your pastor: I’m convinced that it is essential that as a Minister to Men, you have a good relationship with your pastor so that he is included in all the decisions that are being made by the Men’s Ministry. It is essential that you show respect to the pastor because you set the tone for what your men will do.

 

5.       Have a clear and personal testimony: Have a heart to share your faith with the men whom you come into contact with. Develop the skills to bring a man to Christ, if you don’t know these skills ask your pastor to help you, or your need to check out the resources online. I tell the men in our men’s ministry, “Share your story of what Christ did in your life, and back it up with scripture”

 

Friends, as you develop your skills as a Minister to Men, remember you have two people to impress and represent. (1) The Lord Himself, and (2) the men of your church. 

How do we respond to suicide? do we Act or React?

     This past weekend I was visiting the church of a dear friend, and he was sharing about a recent youth event. In one of the evening services, the minister talked about suicide and asked if anyone had considered it and needed prayer. 41 young people came forward out of 900 kids present in the auditorium (4 out of every 100 kids). This is a conservative number to get us thinking about the prevalent place of suicide in the lives of our youth and those attending our churches.

Let’s look a little closer at the statistics surrounding suicide. Suicide is the 11^th leading cause of death in America, and it is the 2^nd leading cause of death for people ages 10 to 34, according to the U.S. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC). The American Foundation for Suicide Prevention reports that in 2021:

·       48,183 individuals committed suicide in the United States.

·       1.70 million individuals attempted suicide.

·       14 out of every 100,000 people died by suicide.

·       According to the World Health Organization, over 700,000 people take their own life each year (one person every 40 seconds).

For many years, churches and church leaders have tried to remain blissfully ignorant of this issue, but prevalence of suicide, suicidal gestures, and suicidal ideation in our culture, and now it is time to act. We have seen suicides on the rise among young people, veterans, and those that have felt isolated by the Covid pandemic. The current financial crisis in the United States is not going to help the saturation either. The individuals thinking about suicide are not finding hope from their peers or their families, and in many cases, they are not finding hope in our churches either.

How do we as a church respond when we suspect someone is considering suicide, or if we know someone who is isolated or suffering some depression and anxiety? The answer we often turn to is prayer, which is an important first step. However, we cannot stop there! I have written on this topic for the past ten years and found the following acronym very helpful as we respond to those who are on the verge of suicide or who just simply hurting and stuck in terrible circumstances. It is time for us to throw them a RAFT:

·       REACH OUT TO THEM:

o   Check in on those in your community, letting them know you care about what they are going through, and be ready to help them carry their burdens.

o   Do not wait to reach out until you are sure they are suicidal, because by then it is too late. Reach out when you know they have experienced a loss or major change in their life.

 

·       ASK THE HARD QUESTION:

o   Be direct and intentional about the suicide conversation. Ask them very specifically, are you thinking about suicide?

o   Bringing up the conversation around suicide is not going to make someone more likely to attempt suicide, but it may help prevent it.

 

·       FOCUS ON THE SOLUTION: 

o   Help them find an alternative solution. If they are isolated, get them out of the house and spend time with them. If they are depressed or struggling with anxiety, ask them to go see a doctor with you.

o   Remind them that suicide is a permanent solution to what is likely a temporary problem.

 

·       TRANSFER THEM FOR ADDITIONAL HELP IF NEEDED:

o   Get them additional support from trained professionals. I understand the reluctance of the pastors and youth leaders to refer individuals to counselors, often because we believe with the help of the Bible, we can be all things to our flock. However, God put great counselors and doctors in the world to help individuals to stay healthy and safe, and we need to set our own egos aside to surround this person with as many resources as possible.

Please understand this is a simple answer to a complex issue. I challenge every pastor, youth leader, parent, grandparent, and friend to read up on suicide prevention and learn more about the signs of suicide and how you can respond to those God has placed in your life.

 

Is it breakfast time?

For those that have been around me for more than a couple of days, and especially if you have gone to a restaurant to eat with me, you know I LOVE Breakfast.  There is just something about ordering two eggs over medium, biscuits and gravy, hot cakes, or French toast. Then of course you add the bacon and sausage, I know some even like steak or chicken with their breakfast, and of course, don’t forget the hash browns.

To me, breakfast is a food that can be consumed 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, and never get old.  As I sit here today, I was thinking about my life, and what else have I enjoyed every day as much as Breakfast, and honestly, I can think of only three things.

First, is my own personal relationship with Jesus Christ; it can’t be like the leftovers in the refrigerator or fast-food sausage biscuits driving 60 miles an hour down the road.  It must be personal quality time sitting and enjoying my time reading HIS words, meditating on HIS thoughts, reflecting on HIS love, and knowing that this is the next best thing to being in Heaven with HIM.

Second, is the relationship I have with my family. The time we spend sitting talking, reflecting on the past, and looking forward to the future. The time we share dreams and even heartache. Family is like the comfort food of breakfast; you just know that it is going to be all right

Finally, this is the place I choose to worship HIM. For me, a lot of the joy of breakfast is preparing the plate so that I can enjoy it.  Getting those eggs just right on top of the French toast, with just the right amount of butter and syrup.   Praise and worship are the same way, it is getting everything ready, getting my heart, my mind, and attitude ready to enjoy the celebration that is about to take place as I enjoy his presence.

              I realize that I must be selective if I want breakfast all day, every day, not every restaurant serves breakfast 24 hours a day (Although in my mind they should), and even worse some don’t serve it at all.  However, the reality of my life with Christ is the same, not everyone in my family enjoys breakfast just like I do, and not everyone enjoys talking about my friend and savior Jesus Christ. Not every church is interested in serving up a daily dose of Jesus; they are more interested in serving what is popular this week that the world wants to digest, and they miss so much from that daily celebration.  

Of course, none of this is possible if I don’t really enjoy sitting down and patiently waiting for it all to come together.  When I go to the restaurant I have to be willing to read the menu, place my order, wait for it to come, fellowship with those around me, and pray for God’s blessing.  However, when all that is done it is time to eat.  As Christians, we need to focus not on the earthly breakfast but on the heavenly supper of the Lamb which is coming soon. Have you accepted the invitation to dinner?  (or in my mind breakfast and I bet God makes some awesome Biscuits and Gravy).

Friends, enjoy your breakfast. However, more importantly, enjoy your relationship with Christ and your family daily.

(Post was originally published @ Don Allen Ministries in 2015)

The Lord’s Table …

Within the next couple of weeks, we will celebrate Good Friday and Resurrection Sunday (Easter). We will celebrate the Lord’s Supper with all the respect it deserves.

However, can I be honest, I have become very heartbroken over the years as I have attended church after church and sat in the pew while they serve the LORD’S SUPPER, or COMMUNION, as it is often called throughout the remainder of the year. I recently attended a church that provides the Lord’s Supper every service, so I began timing just how long they focused on the Lord’s Supper when serving it weekly. From start to finish it was no more than three minutes per week. Sorry to offend any pastor that does this, but that is not what Christ expected on that Passover time as he reflected on His coming sacrifice. 

As Christians, we would not ever think of inviting Christ to dinner at our house and serving HIM supper the way some of us serve his Supper in church.  We would never allow our children to simply stand or sit wherever, talking throughout the meal, without truly acknowledging the guests in the house. We would never rush through the meal and move on to the next activity.

I guess I’m one of those old fashion preachers/teachers that spent a lot of time studying Pastoral or Applied Theology and in doing so I remain frustrated.  I think every aspect of the service is important. However, I see pastors and worship leaders put an emphasis on the music, preaching, and half dozen other things which may be important at the time, but not when it’s time to serve the Lord’s Supper.  The speaker stands for the Lord’s Supper and fails to take us to the understanding that the Bible clearly sets the stage for the Lord’s Supper, it is a time of REMEMBRANCE, it is a time of REFLECTION, and most importantly it is a time of REPENTANCE.  

As I view the Bible and history, I see key elements of presenting and sharing the Lord’s Supper.  In my opinion, if you can’t do it every time, maybe it is time to reconsider the priorities of the church and come to the Table when you can prepare to dedicate the proper amount of time.

1)    Introduce the Lord’s Supper/Communion as a part of the Worship Service. (This is not a part of the offering, announcements, or invitation)

 

2)    Explain fully that it is a time of Remembrance, Reflection, and Repentance.

 

3)    Give them a chance to do all three (It is not time to quickly rush the Lord’s Supper, you don’t rush dinner at home)

 

4)    Eat and drink it together, understanding this is a Communal Meal that is shared by the family.

Pastor/friends, I realize that there are dozens of things happening during any given Service. However, Christ stated to his disciple “Do this in remembrance of me”

I don’t know about you, if you rush me through something, I really don’t remember and don’t care. I guess what I am really doing is asking.

“Is it time to slow down, and remember what Christ did at the Cross, not just as we celebrate Good Friday and Easter, but every time we remember his sacrifice in our worship services?

Seven Things that will revolutionize your Ministry to Men!

  Introduction:  

 

As you take the challenge to Minister to Men, you must have your own house in order, you must strengthen and develop your own personal relationship with Christ, and then Minister to Men at their place of Christian Growth. 

 

Understanding that Ministering to Men cannot be an afterthought it must become the central thought of your ministry, it must become the central theme of the church, and you must step up to the plate to change the very culture you live in. When I (Dr. Don Allen) started in ministry in the 1970s the norm was to build a successful bus ministry and the families will flock to your church, have a ministry to women, and the church will grow.  

 

The reality of Men’s ministry is not having men show up on Sunday morning, and serve as greeters, ushers, elders, worship leaders, etc. That is a ministry that is not men’s ministry. Men’s ministry is encouraging, equipping, and engaging men not only in ministry but fellowship with other men.  

 

 

Understanding the Importance of why we Minister to Men? 

 

• “If you lead a child to Christ: 

• 3.5% of their FAMILIES follow 

• If you lead a mother to Christ: 

• 7% of their families follow 

• HOWEVER…  If you lead a FATHER to Christ: 

• 93% of their families follow  

Statistics from Evangelicals Now (July 2003)  

 

 

It is imperative for both the Men’s Ministry Leader and Pastor to share the same vision and bring the Men to the forefront of the church. 

 

 

1. You must settle this personal matter first ….   

I MUST: “Know that I know” I have a personal relationship with Christ! 

• Christ must be real in your life! 

• You have asked HIM to take up residence in your heart! 

 

The question is simple “Have you had a personal encounter with Christ, and know him as your savior? 

 

2. You must have quality personal prayer time with Christ! 

• If I’m honest with myself there is a part of me that is jealous of the Twelve Disciples, and how they had a chance to sit and talk with Jesus one on one! 

• Walter A. Mueller stated … Prayer is not merely an occasional impulse to which we respond when we are in trouble: prayer is a life attitude. 

 

Are you not only praying for your family and personal needs but are you praying for your pastor and the men within your church? For their personal encounter with Christ, God is helping them to be the man of God not only in their family but the church and community. 

 

 

3. You must have a structured scripture reading program (devotional) 

• You must have a plan to follow if you don’t you spend a lot of time looking for things to do and not doing anything. 

• An Anonymous writer stated: “Reading the Bible without meditating on it is like trying to eat without swallowing.” 

 

4. You must have an accountability partner that will encourage you and challenge your thinking. 

• You need someone to challenge your thinking, your actions, and your relationships. 

• Understand that as a Men’s leader, this individual is not your wife or girlfriend (she is a major resource to help you), but she can not take the place of a Godly man to help you navigate being a Men’s Leader! 

• An accountability partner is a person who coaches another person in terms of helping the other person keep a commitment. 

 

5. You must have both a strong professional and personal relationship with your pastor! (Remember he is one of the Men you’re ministering to.) 

• I’m very saddened today by the number of men in the church that don’t have a personal relationship with their pastor! 

 

• THOUGHT FOR THE PASTOR … You want your church to grow and effectively minister to men. Get out of the office, and into the fellowship. However, don’t lead fellowship! 

 

• THOUGHT FOR THE MEN … Don’t expect your pastor to do your job; he is there to fellowship, not lead … Grow up and take the challenge to be a Minister to Men! 

 

 

6. You must have a defined and clear Vision & Mission Statement of what God wants your Ministry to Men to accomplish! 

• What do you want to accomplish as a Minister to men? 

• See men get saved 

• See men grow spirituality 

• See men have a good time and have fellowship 

• See men disciple other men 

 

Personal note by Dr. Don Allen here: 

 

I’m scared too many men leaders, have convinced themselves that men’s ministry can only happen within the walls of the church. Saturday breakfast, small groups, etc. Can I be honest, having done men’s ministry now for over 20 years, the most amazing ministry opportunities happen at events outside the four walls of the church, for example, the shooting range, at a men’s retreat, on a mission trip to help another ministry, at the bowling alley, and the list goes on.   

 

Gentlemen, it is time to get out of your comfort zone and minister to men where they are at! 

 

 

Put it in writing and aim to accomplish your goal over the next two years. 

 

7. You must be willing to continue to grow, learn, and develop yourself as we Minster to Men. 

• What are you learning, so that you can share it with the men you lead? 

• Are you reading the writings of some of the great Men’s Ministry leaders to see how they are reaching men?