Ministering to Men in Small Churches!

                 I (Rev. Don Allen, Jr.) originally published this blog post in the fall of 2012. However, as I reflect on what I wrote back then I realize that all the principles still apply.

The skills of ministering to men are often misunderstood because we are working with a group of individuals that by virtue of their life are wrapped up in dozens of things at one time, generally running from one place to another, dealing with the stress of family responsibility, work, and taking care of a home.

The average church today is running between 100 and 200 people, and these are considered small to medium churches. As a Minister to Men (Men’s Ministry Director) it is important to understand that we cannot keep up with the Mega churches, nor should we want to. The men of your church have chosen your church for a reason, many like the small intimacy of the church, and the friendships they develop, while others attend small to medium churches due to living in small towns, or small local communities.  Whatever reason they chose to attend your church you have a unique opportunity to minister to them that big churches miss out on.

I have previously ministered to Men in three small to medium size churches, I have found it critical to choose two or three things at the most that we can do well and focus the men on these. I believe that there are 3 things that we need to do, to be effective in ministering to men in small to medium size churches. In my churches, we focus on fellowship, friendships, and fatherhood. If I can strengthen the men I minister to in these three areas I will have accomplished a great deal.

Let me explain my reasoning for these three points (challenges) in ministering to men.

• Fellowship … Helping the men to develop a personal time of fellowship with Christ, through their devotions, and Bible Study. We do this through various challenges as well as hosting Bible Studies at the church for the men to attend.

Can I share a thought here as a Baby Boomer, my idea of fellowship at 63 years old is not the same as my son who is 30 years old!

For the most part, I’m content with the Saturday morning breakfast, and fellowship, he is seeking a challenge like a basketball game, mission project, wilderness adventure, or any number of other activities that get them out of the church and moving. If it is our goal is to minister to the men of our church, we must think like all of them not simply our age group.

• Friendship … Helping me to strengthen their relationships with their Christian brothers within the church is essential to their Christian walk. Spending time with Godly men, learning, and maturing with them helps them grow.

•  Fatherhood … Helping them to learn to be the Godly fathers (dad) they should be in their family is a key point of the Christian walk. Any man can be a Biological father, but it takes a REAL MAN to be Father/Daddy.  This is a foundational point of not only the family but the church.

As a Minister to Men for over the past 22 years (for full disclosure, I’m currently not functioning as the Men’s leader in my local church. However, I remain active with them).  Please understand that my heart will always be to develop Men to serve Christ effectively.  I believe that it is important for you personally as a Minister to Men to have five foundation principles.

1.       Have a clear vision/direction of what you believe God wants you to accomplish. It is essential that you know the vision or direction you are going, without it you will get sidetracked and off on too many projects and miss the opportunity to do something very well. The one thing that I need to caution Men’s Leaders about in the small and medium churches is don’t try to do everything do what you can and do it very well. If you have an older group of men, the Saturday breakfast is a great idea, if you have a younger group of men, they need to have an activity that requires action. If you have both, look for a balance that will impact your men.

I have found that taking a survey of all the men of the church (I have done this on Sunday mornings during the morning worship service (I generally do it over three weeks to catch all the men in the church), give each man over 18 a sheet of paper with the following questions:

                DO NOT have them include their name:

1)      What is your age group? (Circle one)

a.       18 – 30

b.       31 – 40

c.       41 – 60

d.       60 and up

2)      What is your favorite movie of all time?

3)      What is your favorite type of food?

4)      What is your favorite activity?

5)      When is the most convenient time for you to meet up with other men @ church?

a.       Day and time.

 

These five questions give me a clear picture of what the men of my church like, and therefore also give me ideas of how to reach them, with activities, food, and most importantly the time that is good for them.

 

2.       Have a clear understanding of what you’re teaching the men, and what they need to learn: I think that it is essential to find good solid material to teach your men, and to challenge them to learn from. There are several great teaching tools available for Ministering to Men, I suggest that you check your denomination, and some other awesome Men’s ministries on the web.

 

https://maninthemirror.org/

https://ncmm.org/

 

3.       Have a personal Mentor … Have a personal Mentor and accountability partner to keep you grounded and focused. I encourage our men to develop mentorship roles with other men and continue to develop the relationship as the mentored individual moves on to mentor. In my mind, it works sort of like the father/son relationship. Father is the father to his son, but he is also the son of his father. The same applies to a Mentor who is the mentor to the mentor but is also the mentor to the mentor. This is referred to as discipleship, and believe me it is the foundation of your church.

 

4.       Have a good relationship with your pastor: I’m convinced that it is essential that as a Minister to Men, you have a good relationship with your pastor so that he is included in all the decisions that are being made by the Men’s Ministry. It is essential that you show respect to the pastor because you set the tone for what your men will do.

 

5.       Have a clear and personal testimony: Have a heart to share your faith with the men whom you come into contact with. Develop the skills to bring a man to Christ, if you don’t know these skills ask your pastor to help you, or your need to check out the resources online. I tell the men in our men’s ministry, “Share your story of what Christ did in your life, and back it up with scripture”

 

Friends, as you develop your skills as a Minister to Men, remember you have two people to impress and represent. (1) The Lord Himself, and (2) the men of your church. 

How do we respond to suicide? do we Act or React?

     This past weekend I was visiting the church of a dear friend, and he was sharing about a recent youth event. In one of the evening services, the minister talked about suicide and asked if anyone had considered it and needed prayer. 41 young people came forward out of 900 kids present in the auditorium (4 out of every 100 kids). This is a conservative number to get us thinking about the prevalent place of suicide in the lives of our youth and those attending our churches.

Let’s look a little closer at the statistics surrounding suicide. Suicide is the 11^th leading cause of death in America, and it is the 2^nd leading cause of death for people ages 10 to 34, according to the U.S. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC). The American Foundation for Suicide Prevention reports that in 2021:

·       48,183 individuals committed suicide in the United States.

·       1.70 million individuals attempted suicide.

·       14 out of every 100,000 people died by suicide.

·       According to the World Health Organization, over 700,000 people take their own life each year (one person every 40 seconds).

For many years, churches and church leaders have tried to remain blissfully ignorant of this issue, but prevalence of suicide, suicidal gestures, and suicidal ideation in our culture, and now it is time to act. We have seen suicides on the rise among young people, veterans, and those that have felt isolated by the Covid pandemic. The current financial crisis in the United States is not going to help the saturation either. The individuals thinking about suicide are not finding hope from their peers or their families, and in many cases, they are not finding hope in our churches either.

How do we as a church respond when we suspect someone is considering suicide, or if we know someone who is isolated or suffering some depression and anxiety? The answer we often turn to is prayer, which is an important first step. However, we cannot stop there! I have written on this topic for the past ten years and found the following acronym very helpful as we respond to those who are on the verge of suicide or who just simply hurting and stuck in terrible circumstances. It is time for us to throw them a RAFT:

·       REACH OUT TO THEM:

o   Check in on those in your community, letting them know you care about what they are going through, and be ready to help them carry their burdens.

o   Do not wait to reach out until you are sure they are suicidal, because by then it is too late. Reach out when you know they have experienced a loss or major change in their life.

 

·       ASK THE HARD QUESTION:

o   Be direct and intentional about the suicide conversation. Ask them very specifically, are you thinking about suicide?

o   Bringing up the conversation around suicide is not going to make someone more likely to attempt suicide, but it may help prevent it.

 

·       FOCUS ON THE SOLUTION: 

o   Help them find an alternative solution. If they are isolated, get them out of the house and spend time with them. If they are depressed or struggling with anxiety, ask them to go see a doctor with you.

o   Remind them that suicide is a permanent solution to what is likely a temporary problem.

 

·       TRANSFER THEM FOR ADDITIONAL HELP IF NEEDED:

o   Get them additional support from trained professionals. I understand the reluctance of the pastors and youth leaders to refer individuals to counselors, often because we believe with the help of the Bible, we can be all things to our flock. However, God put great counselors and doctors in the world to help individuals to stay healthy and safe, and we need to set our own egos aside to surround this person with as many resources as possible.

Please understand this is a simple answer to a complex issue. I challenge every pastor, youth leader, parent, grandparent, and friend to read up on suicide prevention and learn more about the signs of suicide and how you can respond to those God has placed in your life.